Reflection: The many lessons along the way

Community & writing process.

                Well I remember someone telling me last year :English 104 is a breeze” well it is not a breeze if you actually care about your writing skills and plan on using them long after your gone from this class and from this school.   I have learned a lot and I have pushed myself to really try and overcome my fear of writing as well as learning how to punctuate correctly, and to understand what I’m trying to convey to my reader and a better understanding to what other writers are trying to say.

Artifact 2 what it means to be a wife

March 13, 2010 I said I do!!! Finally after a lot of trial and error but on that day I knew without a doubt in my mind that I wanted to take this man to not only be my lawful wedded husband through sickness and health through fat and skinny through old and young through money problems and kids through mental breakdowns and loss of hair through depends and ben gay through it all. But I was about to become something that I had never been before and that was a wife! And I wasn’t sure what that was.

Artifact 1Defining separation from self

Who The Hell Am I? (rewrite)

I’m brought to tears, I’m brought to reality, I’m brought to myself. I’m forced to look within. What does it mean to be connected, to be one with all humanity? Eve Ensler in her vaginal monologues says “I know everything is connected and the scar that runs the length of my torso is the markings of the earthquake.” Does it mean that all that goes on is a part of me a part of you? Where do I come from and where am I going? What am I doing and what have I done? I feel the connection Ensler refers to throughout her talk; somehow seeing the choices I make having this wave like effect across our world. I’ve been ignorant for so long that when I finally looked in the mirror, I did not like what I saw. I was a selfish and self seeking woman who only cared about herself; how could I face this harsh reality of my life and who I had become?

I’m my own worst enemy

I’m supposed to pick a fight with myself in regards to my writing on a particular topic; which will not be hard to do because I’ve doubted my ability as a writer sense the beginning of time. I feel like I have interesting things to say but I can get caught up with all the fluff, making it sound interesting that I miss the frickin point of it all.

New Trends in marriage

In 1960 68% of all twenty something’s were married. In 2008 just 26% were. Now most people view cohabitation, same sex marriages in a more positive light than before. I wouldn’t say that marriage is becoming obsolete…  According to a new Pew Research Center nationwide survey, done in an association with Time, complemented by an analysis of demographic and economic data from the U.S Census Bureau stated otherwise, they said  4 out of 10 survey respondents  did see it as obsolete.

Who am I (rewrite)

Who The Hell Am I? (rewrite)

I’m brought to tears, I’m brought to reality, I’m brought to myself. I’m forced to look within. What does it mean to be connected, to be one with all humanity? Eve Ensler in her vagina  monologues says “I know everything is connected and the scar that runs the length of my torso is the markings of the earthquake.”  Does it mean that all that goes on is a part of me a part of you? Where do I come from and where am I going? What am I doing and what have I done? I feel the connection Ensler refers to throughout her talk; somehow seeing the choices I make having this wave like effect across our world. I’ve been ignorant for so long that when I finally looked in the mirror, I did not like what I saw. I was a selfish and self seeking woman who only cared about herself; how could I face this harsh reality of my life and who I had become?

To take responsibility for all that is going on in the world, “Let it begin with me” what does that mean exactly? Does it mean take care of my side of the street?  Just worrying about myself and my world? If I did that I would be selfish still; wouldn’t I?  Or could it begin with figuring out who I am? Who is this person I pretend to be? What is this body, this vehicle I showed up in that I dress up and use every day? What is it for? Is there and undercurrent of something bigger going on that I am completely unaware of?   Am I supposed to make a difference in the world in some small way or even a big way?  I take in a big breath and sigh as I continue to ask myself these questions and I have so many yet to make and will continue to make until this vehicle no longer works.

Ensler describes her body as a car; a thing that can move fast, a thing to accomplish other things, many things all at once.  I can see that my body is this vehicle too, driving it every day harder and faster, abusing, using and manipulating so I can acquire more from my life. At what cost though?  Our bodies are supposed to be treated like this holy temple; to be honored protected and taken care of. “Me was always trying to become something” When Ensler says this I think of myself; the human doing not the human being. If I stopped long enough and started loving who I am and honoring myself more, maybe this would have some small impact on the world. If everyone just worried about themselves and honored their bodies maybe one by one , one self at a time we could help the fate of  mother Earth who has been screaming for decades while we sit back and  choose to be consumed by more, more, more.  We unconsciously choose not to hear her. I chose not to hear her, the torture the devastation the corruption and the lies; it’s too much to look at and what am I supposed to do anyway?  As long as I can remember I didn’t think about my choices; my impact on the world around me. Let it begin with me rings in my ears. Do I recycle, do I not buy the new smart phone, do I face book  or tweet, do I  watch the news ,or  do I do the exact opposite to what the majority do?

Ensler discusses her disconnect to her body; how she wore hats as a way of keeping herself more grounded.  Her only connection to her body was her head; this lasted so long, she only identified herself personally in this way. I detach from the awareness of my body and the physical world; I become ungrounded. Although it’s pleasant at times to float heavenward, my attention and work needs to be rooted deep within this earth plane. The balance of the many roles I play; mother, wife, sister, friend, daughter, student for example being a mother is something you can try and disconnect from at times. I have at times in my life gotten so busy with school and work that all I did was drop my kids off at school and pick them up, make dinner and say prayers at bedtime, it became an endless array of days consisting of getting ready to leave the house and getting ready for bed; there was rarely a deep interaction, it was always run, run, run and more, more, more!  I started to realize that everything I was doing was supposed to be for them; to give them a better life but by the time I did that they would be in High School and junior High and I would have missed their innocence their childhood. The reality is once you have a child you will always be connected. The mental and physical tolls this can take on you; can at times feel like your underwater and your trying to reach the top so that you can take that one breath you need to help keep you going; but you never quite seem to make it to the top. Even though you’re moving faster and faster; there’s always something more to do, better to do; as you’re shaping and molding them and hoping they learn from your mistakes. In the end finding  for themselves a deep connection from within their souls and all that surrounds them; keeping them grounded in who they are individually and collectively.

Now I see the meaningless journey of thoughtless and selfish ways of getting what I want and becoming more of the person I think everyone else thinks I should be. To get to this place of “ I made it “ seems pointless and superficial when you take an honest  look at what Ensler describes in her talk about these women and children who endure much suffering so that countries far away could get access to gold and coltan for iphones and computers. After this awareness I start to realize what matters most in my life and it’s not about what I can get its about what I can offer the world; better yet what I can offer our next generation. My children and the children around me, by being that example of knowing who I am as a person and standing strong and firm within my skin and not taking on the worlds ideas, standing for something that means something.  Just as Ensler so beautifully describes at the end of her talk, “It was having a vision of the future and something to fight for, because I know this struggle isn’t my own.”

I can’t begin to comprehend what it’s like elsewhere; but I can at least begin to try and to let it begin with me and start taking responsibility for my part in the big picture by thinking through my choices and becoming consciously aware of the impact they have on everything.  I will also stay grounded in mother earth by paying attention to her and listening to her cries. To be like the oak tree that is not only rooted deep within  earth but flowing through life effortlessly while it to goes through changes and turbulence but stands strong; without doubting the capability it has with  no resistance just acceptance, endurance, tolerance and faith.

WILL you TAKE this MAN……

March 13, 2010,    I said I do!!! Finally after a lot of trial and error but on that day I knew without a doubt in my mind that I wanted to take this man to not only be my lawful wedded husband through sickness and health through fat and skinny through old and young through money problems and kids through mental breakdowns and loss of hair through depends and ben gay through it all.  But I was about to become something that I had never been before;  A Wife!  And I wasn’t sure what that was.

Who The Hell Am I ?

I’m brought to tears, I’m brought to reality, I’m brought to myself .I’m forced to look within. What does it mean to be connected to be one with all humanity? Does it mean that all that goes on is a part of me a part of you? Where do I come from and where am I going? What am I doing and what have I done? .I’ve been ignorant for so long that when I finally looked in the mirror I did not like what I saw. I was a selfish and self seeking woman who only cared about herself, how could I face this harsh reality of my life and who I had become.

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN BASIL??????

 

I am going to start off by saying  ‘I DON’T CARE ABOUT BLOGGING’ personally I think it’s a waste of time.

I say this because it can become a pointless journey through what others think and don’t think about things. As I was going through websites and different blogs, I was annoyed and anxiety ridden. I don’t care if some celebrity is getting a new pool or some famous couple are no longer together. I was looking at 15 of the most popular blog sites and they all talked either about celebrities or the tragic news across our nation. What am I supposed to do with this information? Really? Don’t  I become part of the problem if I continue to spread negative energy by talking to everyone about how terrible this all is… I can send tweets and blogs to anyone about anything but why? Isn’t it better to be Kind instead of Right all the time? I heard that somewhere and that to me is Useful information that can be used in my life.

 The blogs and internet world serves many purposes to many people but for me it’s a distraction and projection ultimately on how I feel about myself  onto others ; a way of not looking at my life but looking at everyone else’s life so that I can avoid what’s going on within me. God forbid I have to be quiet for a minute and look at me!!!!! It’s much easier looking outside of myself and finding were everyone else is wrong and needs improvement. I truly feel this is what we do when we enjoy blogging to excess. At least I know that’s what I’m doing and some days when I’m irritable and not feeling my best because of my husband, my kids, my whatever; I see myself searching out for these types of blogs or watching Jerry springer or watching Lifetime movies, everyone’s life is worse than mine, now I feel better. No Not Really, I feel worse, but it’s a quick fix for at least awhile; and that’s what society runs on QUICK FIXE’S, please don’t let me feel what’s really going on, I just want to defocus from me.

  Now I do believe blogging in this English class we start to learn how to attract our audience and get our point across in effective way, and that to me is useful in many areas of my life. So I’m not saying all blogging is a  pointless and meaningless journey; just most of them.  But my point is that when we spend more than an hour a day looking through sites and blogs with no motive to why were there, It  can usually  mean we have been unconsciously sucked into the web of lies that say to us;” Whew look at all these other people now I don’t have to look at myself.”  Basically the majority, not saying that includes you and me but the majority are insecure and fear driven and don’t want to look at themselves so they find comfort in scanning the web pages and blogs of all the crazies out there in web world so that they can feel sane or at least a little saner than most for just a minute.

 I definitely think that our expectations are met as well as our ethos  at these blog/sites because it invokes emotions in us  gets us worked up about issues  whether it be gossip or politics or whatever interests us; and it gives us a voice making us think we have some sense of control while we are deflecting from ourselves onto others by blogging ; our unconscious need to not see ourselves is also met. I think too that a lot of these blogs are also misleading at times and it undermines our expectations because when we go to some of these sites we are there for legitimate reasons and I think that more often than not we are catapulted into a slithering cesspool of human drama that we had no desire to see but find ourselves consumed by the visual and audio that we can’t  help ourselves.

Rewrite: Inside look

 Rewrite: Inside Look

While looking around on different blog sites under “Tracks In The Sand”, I found that I was bombarded by a lot of extras; bright colors, cartoon characters, large letters. Personally I found myself feeling overwhelmed by this I couldn’t concentrate I didn’t know where to go first it was a definite sensory overload. One of the first pages I went to was SO colorful and bold with lots of things to do that I just clicked off right away.

 I think part of the reason I feel this way is I used to like lots of clutter and noise in my life and as I’ve grown up in my adulthood; I find that I enjoy the simple things, the more peaceful things. I know longer need noise to drawn out the worry I have in my own head. I feel comfortable with who I am. So not liking these obnoxious websites is actually a sign to me that I feel at peace.

 I was of course thrilled  our blog site was simple and had more calming and soothing colors; that make you want to kick back and enjoy being there.  “Interstellar Sprawl  has the same calming effect and I immediately felt peaceful looking at it.

        This blog site didn’t have any of the funny characters or bright colors. Overall I found it to be interesting to see what people are up to on the web; I had no idea people spent so much of their time online. I also find it to be a bit unnecessary, for me personally, it’s a distraction. 

  Although I may not have liked some of the blog sites, they certainly had every function you would need for whatever purpose was behind each blog site and with so many people on the web you need lots of different ideas, colors, and funny characters or not, or the simple soothing and serene websites for those of us that feel overwhelmed and bombarded by extras can feel at peace and focus better on what’s important.